checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
