I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
