The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
