Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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