I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
