Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
someone get that fucking seahorse.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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