He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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