feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
