Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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