i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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