Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
