not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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