The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
