I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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