so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
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