If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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