She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
