There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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