I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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