He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
