my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
He better not be in your backpack
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Randomize
