jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Randomize
