So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
