I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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