Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize