I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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