I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
