I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
