I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Houston, we have a squirter
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
