I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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