I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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