hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You've changed since you got that strap on
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
