i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
How external is "for external use only"?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
