We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
