I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
