once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
