tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize