1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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