I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
