I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
