By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
