So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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