the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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