I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
