I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
