Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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