Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize