closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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