burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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