I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
