It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
