You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
