just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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