You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
