the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
how does that bad decision feel?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
