i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
