nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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