Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
