my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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