His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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