I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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