Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
