She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
