I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
