How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
