chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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