sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
