Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
