i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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