The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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