the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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